watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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