What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
