I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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