Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
