Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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