What did we do last night that was yellow?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
