gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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