So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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