You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
