His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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