My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
