my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
