Three words: puerto rican gang bang
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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