So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
