you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
