Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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