I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
