as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
