You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
