I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
