I just threw up on my dentist
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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