I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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