they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
PANTIES FOUND
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