Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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