I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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