I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
