I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
