Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
