careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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