We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
