my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
