I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Boobs speak an international language.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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