My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
