WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
