I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
