I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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