My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
