It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
