It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
