i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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