Your dad touched me again.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
