oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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