Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
