a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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