I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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