i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
