Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
