half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
