My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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