I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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