I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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