dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
