Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
